Sorry this post is so late, time got away from me today. Anyway, yesterday I spoke about the wee breakthrough I had regarding wearing makeup and today I'm looking at where that pressure has come from. Firstly, I
love makeup. I love playing with it, applying it, buying it, just looking at it. I can remember being so excited when I was younger and my parents let me order from Yves Rocher (which became an
extremely regular thing) and that anticipation of waiting for the order and opening that huge box to see what lotions and perfumes and makeup items were inside. I'm no psychologist, but I had grown up with two stunning sisters and always felt like "the ugly one" in comparison. I was the odd one out, the one with freckles, the one with glasses, the one with mousey, wavy hair, the one with small eyes. They were beautiful and cute (respectively) and I was the weird one. So wearing makeup, changing my hairstyle (constantly) and even the clothes, not only reflected me as a person (like I say, I
do love beauty and fashion), but it was a way to make myself feel and look 'prettier'. Makeup is a powerful tool at enhancing beauty and can also mask (a little) those parts you aren't so fond of. I wouldn't go anywhere near saying I was trying to be somebody else or not being "me", I just loved getting dressed up and expressing myself that way.
Though that comes at a price, because everyone then expects it of you,
all the time. My friends at school would bet on what my hair would look like that day, so I had to do something different or better each day. Random people have stopped me to tell me how much they admire the way I dress or my hair or shoes. The old ladies at church used to love me walking up the aisle to get the hymn books, because it was like a wee catwalk where they could see what I was wearing. Complete strangers know me as 'the girl with the shoes' or 'coloured hair' or 'fancy outfits', so they expect me to 'dazzle' them each time I see them, even when I don't know I'm making this impression on them. Look even at physio now, they actually phone other staff members up to come and see my shoes! I have to wear a different pair each time and just last week the receptionist told me it's the highlight of their week, when I come in. I actually think that's really sweet that something as simple as shoes can evoke that in strangers and I do enjoy it, I genuinely do. There's no doubt, it's a huge pressure though. One that's become all the larger because I've felt the need to keep it up, even over the past 13 years of illness.
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