I have talked a lot in the past on the blog about New Year's Resolutions, and how I tend to be (sometimes to my peril) someone who is impossibly planned & ordered when it comes to my life. This year, for my New Year's Resolution, I made a pronouncement to myself that I slowly started to share to the world once I realized I might actually make it happen, that I wanted six things to be different about my life, or really added to my life. I wanted, by the end of the year, to have a new job, new house, new body, new pet, new boyfriend, and a newly finished book.
And honestly, while the stress of pursuing all of these is occasionally getting to me, I've been doing pretty awesome with this, much better than I normally do. I already started the new job, which is mainly where the stress comes from (I don't discuss my job here as a rule, but I will say there's an adjustment period where you have to relearn, readjust expectations, and put in the time to know things you thought you knew but it turned out were a complete enigma to you...particularly after six years of doing a different job you could probably accomplish with your eyes closed). That's the first one off of the list, and the one that I had the least control in so it's nice to see it checked first.
The new house, though, is the one I'm most excited about at the moment because I'm in the early throws of house-hunting. For a long time I didn't want to buy a house, and I gave a number of excuses for why this was when people asked. "I'm an apartment person" or "I don't know where I'll be in a few years" or "I want to have a husband first," but if I'm being honest-I wasn't ready to bet on myself in such a way. I think it's hard to go about believing in yourself, and self-esteem has never come easily to me. But I finally decided it was time, partially because I had the confidence of knowing I now wanted a house (I watched a mountain of HGTV during a road trip with my mom), and also because 2018 was the "Year of Risks" in my book.
All year long, in fact, I've been going about taking risks, mostly by betting on myself. The house is the biggest one (I meet with the bank & realtor next week, but already have a manicured list of what I want in a home and geographical locations I am pursuing), but I am pushing myself to do scary things even when I'm not comfortable, as long as they are betting on me being successful. That's harder to do than it sounds, because so much of our lives are spent doing what is easiest-it's a natural, even evolutionary, habit. But I frequently find myself frustrated with my life being cozy, of the feeling of "being behind" when I look at my friends and peers, and the only way I can change that is by taking risks, by occasionally being scared of putting myself out there.
Putting myself out there is going to be the next big part of my plan in twelve days, as I make my first serious foray into online dating in over a year. About a year ago, a guy I really liked informed me that I was too fat for him to date. I had heard this before, but never from a guy whom I liked, and had developed a crush on, and I was so devastated I needed to go through a bit of a mourning period. I now think he was wrong, and confidence, tenacity, and kindness are probably what people are going to ultimately respond to, but I'm not taking any chances this time, so I've also been dieting, and perhaps more impressively, been working out consistently. My Body-Fat Percentage has dropped quite a bit in the past couple of months, and my strength has gone up exponentially. I now regularly have people comment on my arms, hair, and even the sizable difference in my stomach. It feels a bit gauche to talk about this, as it's entirely centered on vanity (maybe a little bit for health, but we're not quite to the point where I'm clearly prolonging my life here), but I'm very proud of what I've accomplished. I've started to layer in teeth-whitening, skincare regiments, and a shift in my wardrobe, so that this can be a lifestyle change, but I'm really hopeful that this goes well. Of all of the things that I'm shooting to hit by the end of the year, this is the one I'm arguably most nervous about accomplishing (because it's the one I've tried the hardest on in the past with no success), and it's the one that I've had to mentally (and physically) prepare myself for the most, but I'm excited to see if my hard work will pay off.
But I think, to close this article, the thing I'm most thrilled about in accomplishing these goals is that I have a stronger support system than I expected. I have talked in the past that sometimes I feel very lonely, like I don't have someone that I can depend upon, and that it's very hard to do things for yourself, placing bets on yourself, when it doesn't feel like anyone has a vested interest in whether you succeed or fail. However, this has taught me a valuable lesson-you don't know how strong your friendships are until you call in that rare favor, and watch as someone jumps through hoops to help make your life better. I have had friends answer my (probably quite incessant) questions about house-shopping as I learn things that the internet cannot clarify. I have one friend who has already staked a claim to go house-hunting with me, while another friend is picking out some new date clothes for me & has volunteered to use his considerable photo skills to help me look good in my profile (it's what's on the inside that counts, but honestly it's what's in the picture that gets them on your profile to begin with). I had multiple friends help me prepare for this new job, and already have someone lined up to proof my novel when I'm nearing completion. I didn't think this would happen, which speaks ill of my view not of my friends, but of myself, that I don't value myself the way that I should, the way that other people do. That's a lesson we all need to remember from time to time-our self-esteem may come from within, but the low opinions we have when we look in the mirror aren't always reflected in those around us.
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